Healing for the Spiritually Wounded (Part 4)

Ministering to the Wounded

When a person gets out of an abusive group, church, fellowship, or ministry, it is only the first step in a long process of recovery. The more important work of “getting the group out of the person” has just begun. The following are some principles which I have found helpful in this work.

Unconditionally Love

When approached by a victim of spiritual abuse, be gentle and truly loving toward them. Listen to their story, affirm the feelings they are expressing, and show them that you accept them. As the relationship develops and they become a part of your church, let them know you value them as persons. Exhibit a genuine appreciation for who they ARE not for what they can DO.

Listen

As mentioned above, it is important that you listen to them. I remember spending numerous hours with Ruth and Fred just allowing them to release all the things they had kept “bottled up” inside for years. A couple of times they even brought a friend with them who was going through the same thing.

Hear their story. Try to hear their “heart”. Allow them to open up to you without fear of retaliation or condemnation (this is what they experienced previously). They may speak angrily. They may cry. They may even raise their voice. But it is necessary that you just allow them to speak. Don’t evaluate. Just let them know you understand and value what they are saying.

Encourage Forgiveness

Be careful in this process as you may unwittingly encourage a spirit of unforgiveness, bitterness and cynicism in the person. Their experience was traumatic. They have been horribly mistreated by those they trusted. They have been seriously wounded in their spirit. But healing comes when we release that hurt. Help them come to a point where they can forgive those who inflicted pain. Jesus taught his disciples to pray: “Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. Forgiveness is a primary key to spiritual healing.

Work towards Restoration of Trust

That being said, forgiveness is quite different from restoration of trust. Forgiveness may take a while, but restoration of trust comes over a great period of time. God has called you to lead these precious ones into healing. Your job is to help them trust again. They already see you as a leader, but you must exhibit that godly leadership which is not coercive, abusive or dictatorial. Offer them suggestions (for example, scriptures to read, things to do, people to speak to), but let them know it’s their decision to follow through and that you will accept them whatever they decide.

Service

Many of the abused are highly motivated people who have a love for God and desire to use their talents and gifts in His service. Allow them to find their place in the body. They may want to serve immediately and indeed they may be good candidates for leadership. But they’re not ready. They need to heal. When the time is right, allow them to work with another experienced leader in the body providing an opportunity to learn / re-learn what godly authority is like. It will be an awesome opportunity for them and the one who they are working with may also grow in their leadership abilities.

Understanding of God

Any distortions in an understanding of God must be dealt with. A most common distortion is that our acceptance by God is based upon what we DO. In response, we must emphasize that God is a God of GRACE. We are saved by grace, not by anything we can do (Ephesians 2:8-10).

Honesty

It is important to be honest about yourself and people in general. Let them know that leaders are not more favored by God over others in the church. That spiritual struggle is characteristic of even the most mature follower of Jesus. That all of us can learn to hear God’s voice ourselves and that we each need to have our own relationship with God apart from the group.

Victory for the Wounded

Shortly after that first phone call, Ruth and Fred began attending our church regularly, eventually becoming members. Ruth served in several capacities as a teacher, woman’s leader, and hospitality coordinator. Fred served on our worship team and, a couple of years later, became one of our deacons. They are currently members of another church closer to their home where they continue to serve God faithfully.

Healing for those who have been spiritually wounded is possible. God may be calling you into that ministry. However, recognize that it is a long-term process that demands a strong commitment on your part. If you decide to respond positively to that call, you will see God do awesome things.

Part 3 | Part 1

Healing for the Spiritually Wounded (Part 3)

Understanding the Wounded

Over the last twenty years, I have been given the privilege of ministering to a number of families that are able to tell tales similar to that of Ruth and Fred. As they have relayed their stories to me, I have observed some common characteristics between them:

1. Competence - Contrary to what one may think, many of those who have suffered spiritual abuse, are highly competent, even highly educated, people. Fred had a lucrative position in a major corporation and could “hold his own” in any discussion. Others who I have ministered to are a well-known local newspaper columnist, and an artist who displays her artworks at galleries and public venues throughout our area. These are not “weak-willed” people who are unable to discern or think for themselves.
2. Distrusting Loyalty - They have a high regard for authority and leadership, otherwise they would not be coming to you. Granted, that regard may be a bit misplaced and unrealistic, but it is there all the same. And yet they have a certain degree of distrust of authority and leadership. They have been deeply hurt by those in leadership. Therefore they are hesitant to trust at the risk of being hurt again.
3. Performance Based - They are highly driven to perform. In these types of abusive situations, acceptance of the individual in the group is often “performance-based”. The more one “does” the more accepted he or she becomes, and possibly the higher in the organization they rise.
4. Trauma - The pain of leaving an abusive church is extremely traumatic. The person may have been berated and had their spirituality questioned. They may have had an uncomfortable confrontation with the leader who attempted to talk them out of leaving. They may have been told that by leaving they are moving out from under the protective covering of God, even that there is no salvation outside of the group.
5. Reticence - They may be hesitant to speak out (often being told to not talk to anyone about their experience) for fear that they are speaking against God himself. Within the group, if they began to question something, they may have been labeled as having a “rebellious spirit” subject to the wrath of God
6. Distorted Theology - Since their faith was misdirected toward the leadership rather than towards the Lord, they may have a distorted view of God. They may view God himself (like the leadership) as deceptive, self-serving, and dictatorial.

This is by no means a comprehensive but a quick list of my observations over the years.

Part 2 | Part 4

Healing for the Spiritually Wounded (Part 2)

Your Call

You may be a new church planting pastor, an active member of a local church, or a seasoned veteran of faith and ministry. There will come a time when you will be called upon to help someone like my friends, Ruth and Fred. How can you effectively do that? What steps can you take to bring them to a place where they can once again trust God and others?

As one who is “seasoned in ministry”, I have found that age and experience can sometimes cloud our judgment or color our perception of people. It’s true, the longer we’ve been around, the more we realize that things aren’t always as they seem on the outside. People come to us and we “size them up”. We look them over. We ask “what’s their agenda”. Sometimes we are right to do that. Other times, we can misjudge and lose an opportunity for real ministry. Let’s be sure to ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and discernment as we are confronted with these who come our way. Let’s allow God to use us in a way he hasn’t used us before.

Church Hurts Hurt Deeply

The hurts inflicted upon people by bad church experiences are some of the most difficult types of hurts to heal. In the church we have such high regard for the people around us, especially the leadership. When those for whom we have the highest regard hurt us by violating our trust, we are devastated. The pain runs deep.

Yes, the scripture does say, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted” (Proverbs 27:6). It means that a true friend must sometimes take a tough stand when we are moving in a direction which will ultimately be detrimental to us. But in a situation involving spiritual abuse, the “wounds” inflicted are anything but trustworthy. They are wounds by “false friends” which do not lead to our good and may take years (or even decades) to heal. But heal they must!

It’s been said, “Hurting people hurt people”. If we do not help people onto a path toward spiritual and emotional healing, the hurt will spread. Those with unresolved anger, bitterness and distrust are unwitting carriers of spiritual disease. Like a physical cancer, that disease will spread even in a healthy church body. It is incumbent upon us as church leaders to shepherd these wounded saints on their journey toward healing.

Part 1 | Part 3

Healing for the Spiritually Wounded (Part 1)

A Call

It was a beautiful afternoon in late August when the call came. The female voice on the other end of the phone sounded a bit hesitant, but asked if I was the pastor. She said that a member of my church (a church that I had planted just a few years earlier) referred her to me as someone she could confidentially talk with concerning a problem at her current church.

Please understand that unless there is a compelling need to do so, I refuse to talk negatively about any person, leader, or ministry. So, immediately all my pastoral defenses went up and my initial thought was to put an end to the conversation right there. However, I held my tongue and let her pour out her story.

It is a fact: if God calls you to plant a church, you will find that all kinds of people will come and “try you out”. They come for a number of reasons, having various needs and concerns, and sometimes with hidden agendas. Among those people, you will find some who are just unhappy with their present situation and others who have been seriously wounded by their previous church experience. As a pastoral leader, God calls you to exercise discernment and respond appropriately.

A Story

After I invited her to continue, Ruth (not her actual name*) proceeded to tell of her experiences at her current church which was in a distant town. I had known about this church and its pastor for some years and even met the pastor on several occasions. Over those years, I had heard unconfirmed stories of questionable situations there. This time I was hearing it first-hand.

Without going into details, Ruth’s story was not unlike the stories of countless others who have come through similar situations. Her story was one of initial joy at having found a vibrant church home for her family (her husband Fred is also a committed follower of Jesus) and then actively using her gifts in practical ministry. Eventually both she and her husband advanced into leadership positions. For several years things were moving happily along until they began seeing things in the ministry which made them uncomfortable. The pastor was becoming more dictatorial and less compassionate toward people in need. The church was always looking for and following the latest spiritual fad whether it was discipleship, spiritual warfare, the prophetic, etc.

When questions began to arise concerning leadership style, relational difficulties, and financial integrity, the pastor took a more defensive and secretive posture. Appealing to the scripture “touch not my anointed ones” (Psalm 105:15), he implied that those voicing concerns were just “rabble-rousers” and not truly spiritual. Among those raising such concerns were Ruth and Fred. The result being that they were increasingly ostracized from those in the church they considered dear friends. Relationships which were once warm and accepting had become cool and distant. It was as if a knife was piercing their heart. They were unwitting victims of “spiritual abuse”. There on that beautiful August day, I was being compelled by the Holy Spirit to shepherd them (and others like them) through a process toward healing and recovery.

Part 2 >>